Background

Proclamation 10043 is a presidential proclaimation signed by Donald Trump, the 45th US president, on May 29, 2020, in order to prohibit students in the People’s Republic of China associated with the People’s Liberation Army from obtaining F visas or J visas.

My story

I have always been an enthusiast of oversea traveling and studying abroad. I set my goal as early as junior high to pursue a degree or more in a foreign country. I have been to tons of countries and visited the most prestigious univeristies of the lands. I have seen and heard enough to make my decision to pursuit graduate degrees in the most advance (in tech and science) and the richest country of human-history, the US. I said good riddance to my beloved lalaland of Chengdu City and left for Atlanta after four years of undergraduate study in Beihang University, the students of which were unfortuanately forbidden to renew their F-visa due to Proclaimation 10043 since May 2020.

I do not intend to talk about the politics here but rather to provide a first-person view of what this proclaimation has brought to a foreign student, who cannot go back home until he finishes his Ph.D. program or would otherwise never be allowed back to the US again with a valid student visa. History and politics always have the power to disrupt, disturb, or even destroy the lives of individuals. Never sensitive to politics, the only thing I realized was that barrier being built between me and the word ‘home’. It has been four years since I saw my parents in person and so as my friends, and I know it just started and it will be a longer journey than I can expect.

Being in the last generation from my alma mater that went to the US for a degree, my alumni are getting lesser by years. I sometimes talked with them about their takes on their being and life. Surprisingly, they all had the same dreams as mine, where we went home and saw our family finally, but panicked when we realized that we could not make it back to the US for our degrees. I found the coincidences rather interesting, yet moreover, misteriously comforting. After all, my friends and alumni who later became friends with me for fighting the same situations, are all on the same page of life. I realize how supported I can feel to see people standing by me, sharing my fear, and fighting the same monster under our beds. This is a stronger bond that I never experience before, that I share with someone I barely have connection with.

However, I never really feared like some of my ‘comrades’, who may cry, fight, or struggle to show their opposition to the policy. I guess I am just numb. I never think about what consequences it may bring. Unlike many fellas of my age, I never experience the loss of elder family members like grandparents. My grandparents are still in good shape. It is sad that people may go. It is even sadder when I never realize this or experience this and therefore have to guess. How does it feel to lose someone close in life forever? How does it feel to lose friendship and memory of hometown due to incapability of maintenance? So many unresolved questions and unknown experiences about my future. If they are gonna be sad, I wish I had experienced them early. With that being said, do I really want my grandparent gone before I left for my education, so that I get to stay with them when they do? Am I this pathetic, or is it the proclaimation that is twisting my thoughts and feelings and making me a pathetic monster? I do not know the answers. I do not dare to know. All I can do is pretend that it never bothers and numb and hammer myself with stuffs, work, study, research, and sometimes video games.