Maturity

I revisted a Chinese TV series from my childhood, with which many of my Chinese fellows are familiar. It is called 士兵突击 and it tells the story of how a dorky regular guy becomes the ace of all trades in the military.

There is one line from this TV series that touched me so deeply because it resonated so much with me and my recent personal life. It says “早熟的人通常都晚熟，骄傲的人又很性急”. It translates into English and goes “Those who grow up too soon often mature the latest. And those who take pride in themselves suffer from their impatience.” I was probably only seven or eight when I watched the series and read this line, and I could not understand what it actually meant. But now I do.

I grew up a pre-mature kid, I would say. I left my home for my study and work since 18 yrs old. I had to reside on the other side of the planet from my home and my family for seven years straight and never got the chance to go back ever since. But I guess I took good care of myself. I finished degrees after degrees and landed myself a pretty decent job right after graduation. I have a healthy body and pets that I love and I love back. I did good in work and having fun.

But growing up too soon does not make me a mature person. When I came out of the school and finally met my Odessey Years, I was lost and have not yet found my path.

I know how to hustle for life, I know how to please others, I know what are the things to be done to be recognized and do them. I know a lot of things. But I do not know what I really want, I do not know the meaning of life it the end is doomed to be a death, I do know how to love myself not to mention how to love the ones beside me, and I do not know where I should go or what I should do. The thought of dying alone somewhere on this giant globe scares me so much equally to the thought of getting chained with someone for the rest of my life. I want companion to survive the cruelty of life, but meanwhile I am afraid of companion because every relationship comes to an end. I am too eager to prove to others that I am capable, so impatiently that I scare people away.

At some point, I conclude that I might have thought too much to actually enjoy life. But as a pre-mature kid, thoughts are what bring me here today. I had to carefully analyze my choices before I took any action. I had to understand things. This is pre-mature, I guess – to learn things and avoid mistakes, pain, or insecurity, but eventually it stopped me from being who I really am. Pre-mature kids like me, spend too much time understanding how the world works, to figure out what they really want, by trials, by mistakes, and by experiencing both right and wrong.

I want to embrace my life now. I have again been thinking about this for a while. It really hit me so deep when I saw this line from the series, so much that I think I have to write this down somewhere.